How Not to be an Asshole When Traveling with Children
After listening to one of my favorite podcasts For Crying Out Loud today, I was inspired to write a little something about air travel with children.
I’d like to start off with a lovely story involving my BFF, who also happens to be a sassy stew only she’s way hotter. Anyway, a few days ago she had a bit of a situation (not the cheesy NJ shore kind) on the plane involving a couple of douche bags and a young mother flying alone with her infant. Apparently the baby was crying during the decent (which is normal & very common due to the change in cabin pressure), and the male half of the hillbilly douchebag couple sitting directly behind the young mom said to her “you better fucking put something in that kids mouth and shut him the fuck up”. Needless to say, hearing this story from my BFF was beyond shocking, and incredibly appalling. WHO IN THE HELL SPEAKS TO PEOPLE LIKE THAT??! Assholess, that’s who. But I digress…
After the berating comments the poor mother was understandably brought to tears. I can’t even imagine. I’m reeeeeeally hoping for a good old-fashioned karmic boomerang hitting those hillbilly douchebags in their respective box and balls. Although now that I think about it, I seriously doubt a “man” that speaks like that to a young woman has much going on in the balls department. I bet he totally has a vagina. A very wide-set one.
So do me a favor, please be nice to the parents with babies that may cry a little during a flight. It’s not their fucking fault!!
OK, well sometimes it COULD be their fault. If that is the case, I really don’t blame you for rolling your eyes and turning up your iPod up to a gazzilion decibels. Whatever you do though, just don’t come over to me and ask me to fix it — because I’m not going to. I have my own children, and they are very well-behaved (probably because they weren’t raised by wolves in a barn?).
As far as when it IS the parent’s fault – they’re basically clueless idiots that shouldn’t procreate in the first place. You wouldn’t believe the things that parents do with their children on flights. From personal experience I have a few recommendations:
- Don’t get shitfaced on the flight with your kids. It makes you look like an asshole, and I will probably call CPS on your unfit ass.
- Don’t expect the flight attendants to keep your children occupied. Again, NOT MY FUCKING JOB. There are a few hundred other people on the plane. Also this may come as a shock to some, but we do NOT have a toy box. It’s not a god-damned dentist’s office.
- Don’t let your little brats run up and down the aisle unless you are OK with them being permanently scarred by scalding hot coffee. There is also the possibility that I will step on their head with my sharp 2” heel, and I KNOW that hurts. Just ask my boyfriend.
- DO bring food, bottles, diapers, etc. No, we don’t have milk, formula, wipes, diapers, Xanax, whatevs. I’m not dipping into my own stash for your unprepared ass.
- On the subject of diapers, for the love of God and all things holy — ONLY CHANGE DIAPERS IN THE LAVATORY!! – NOT ON THE SEAT, NOT ON YOUR LAP, and definitely NOT ON THE TRAY TABLE! You do realize that you are in an enclosed cabin with recirculated air, right? The rest of us would prefer NOT to breathe in your child’s recirculated shit smell. Also please keep in mind that many passengers are EATING in said enclosed cabin – and ON the tray table that you just changed your shitty baby on. Seriously, are you a fucking animal with ZERO common sense…or consideration for others? Oh, and if you have the balls to try and hand me a dirty diaper there is no way in hell that I will be able to control my excessive laughter.
Thank you, and BUH-BYE!!
Love,
Sassy
xx
Also, I highly recommend that you listen to Lynette Carolla & Stefanie Wilder-Taylor on the For Crying Out Loud Podcast. I absolutely LOVE these bitches!!
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I understand everything you are saying and when my children were little I did do whatever I could to keep my children from annoying others. I had a bag full of toys and snacks and we changed diapers and went potty before we got on the plane. I have one question though. Where in the lavatory can you lay a child down that needs to have a diaper changed? If we can’t change a diaper at our seats, we need a flat surface that’s large enough to lay the child down.
Anything but changing a baby in public on your seat would be better. It is unsanitary and absolutely incredible that the possibility of doing so crosses people’s minds.
I was with you until…
“I seriously doubt a “man” that speaks like that to a young woman has much going on in the balls department. I bet he totally has a vagina. A very wide-set one.”
So because he was an asshole, he has a vagina? Nice, making him out to be feminine for being a shithead.
Come on. You’re generally smart, witty, and funny. You can do better than this.
I have a vagina. It’s all in fun. And thank you for the compliment, I appreciate it. Seriously.
“WHO IN THE HELL SPEAKS TO PEOPLE LIKE THAT??!”
Um… you. Just started reading your blog and now have even LESS reason to tolerate air travel, knowing this is what stewardesses are thinking despite their professional act.
LOL!!
Did you miss my “caveat”? This blog discusses a very small minority of the traveling public. If you’re not an asshole, you have nothing to worry about.
Certainly a huge subcategory is parents who think Junior is entitled to behave however he wants–tantrums, thrown toys, pestering other passengers. Unfortunately, all we can do is hope they aren’t frequent flyers.
I dislike those parents who don’t try to keep the kids under control but I am also very tolerant of people who are traveling with their children and are trying hard to keep them calm, because kids do what kids do: they get tired, bored, cranky, and cause a scene, and cause extreme stress for their parents. if you see a parent who is really trying to calm an upset child, go over and talk to the kid. Maybe give them a (harmless) gadget you have (pens, paper, a box with a collection of something in it like rocks, make an airplane out of paper, make a mouse out of the napkin, just talk to them). Diverting their attention is the fastest way to ease the situation. It worked on me when i was 5 years old and I use this tactic all the time on unruly children, even at grocery stores. Now, if the parents aren’t engaged and are just ignoring the child, sometimes a word if you are brave enough. People like that are very hostile when told they have bad parenting skills.
Horrible choice of the headline picture.