Seven of Sassy’s Top Travel Tips
Today’s air travel is enough to make you find a secluded bathroom stall in the terminal where you can quietly hang yourself with your own belt. In order to prevent devastated family members and PTSD for the custodian discovering your body, I have decided out of respect to the flying public to provide you with a few insider travel tips.
1. Bring your own food (you can pack a lunch and bring it through security as long as there are no liquids) or purchase some in the terminal prior to boarding if you are into $14 turkey sandwiches. The majority of domestic routes will NOT be serving meals in-flight. Moreover, if they do, it will more than likely be a miniature can of Pringles that you will need to purchase. If you would like a free $7 cocktail, book a $3000 first class ticket.
2. After the completion of packing your luggage for your trip, go ahead and remove half of its contents. You really don’t need it. Trust me, I’m a professional. Also if you are unable to lift the bag yourself, it gets checked. My back is a mess, plus them’s the rules (how did you get it from your car to the plane via TSA and the entire terminal).
3. Hitting up the bar in the terminal is all good, however it is against Federal Regulations to board any aircraft while intoxicated, so erring on the side of not getting shit-faced is probably your best bet if you don’t want to pay for a hotel room to sober up and travel standby the next morning.
4. Wear layers. As I am sure you are aware planes are typically chilly, and unfortunately blankets aren’t typically available without purchase these days. I just follow my Mom’s advice given to me as a child; always bring a sweater to the movies, or whilst traveling on an airplane. You know why? BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING COLD!
5. If you need to practice your yoga, please do it somewhere other than in the back galley. This is the workspace of the fab crew attempting to serve you, and they probably won’t take kindly to it. Also if we are seated and attempting to eat our only meal of the day, our preference is to not have your balls, vag or ass in our face.
6. When a flight attendant asks you to turn of your electronic device, just fucking do it. It’s 10 minutes. You’ll probably live.
7. Kindly check your pissy attitude at the ticket counter for stowage in the belly of the plane. We’re all in this together, yo.
BONUS TIP: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY PLEASE FLUSH THE FUCKING TOILET!!
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