Seven of Sassy’s Top Travel Tips
Today’s air travel is enough to make you find a secluded bathroom stall in the terminal where you can quietly hang yourself with your own belt. In order to prevent devastated family members and PTSD for the custodian discovering your body, I have decided out of respect to the flying public to provide you with a few insider travel tips.
1. Bring your own food (you can pack a lunch and bring it through security as long as there are no liquids) or purchase some in the terminal prior to boarding if you are into $14 turkey sandwiches. The majority of domestic routes will NOT be serving meals in-flight. Moreover, if they do, it will more than likely be a miniature can of Pringles that you will need to purchase. If you would like a free $7 cocktail, book a $3000 first class ticket.
2. After the completion of packing your luggage for your trip, go ahead and remove half of its contents. You really don’t need it. Trust me, I’m a professional. Also if you are unable to lift the bag yourself, it gets checked. My back is a mess, plus them’s the rules (how did you get it from your car to the plane via TSA and the entire terminal).
3. Hitting up the bar in the terminal is all good, however it is against Federal Regulations to board any aircraft while intoxicated, so erring on the side of not getting shit-faced is probably your best bet if you don’t want to pay for a hotel room to sober up and travel standby the next morning.
4. Wear layers. As I am sure you are aware planes are typically chilly, and unfortunately blankets aren’t typically available without purchase these days. I just follow my Mom’s advice given to me as a child; always bring a sweater to the movies, or whilst traveling on an airplane. You know why? BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING COLD!
5. If you need to practice your yoga, please do it somewhere other than in the back galley. This is the workspace of the fab crew attempting to serve you, and they probably won’t take kindly to it. Also if we are seated and attempting to eat our only meal of the day, our preference is to not have your balls, vag or ass in our face.
6. When a flight attendant asks you to turn of your electronic device, just fucking do it. It’s 10 minutes. You’ll probably live.
7. Kindly check your pissy attitude at the ticket counter for stowage in the belly of the plane. We’re all in this together, yo.
BONUS TIP: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY PLEASE FLUSH THE FUCKING TOILET!!
how about instead of giving us at the ticket counter their pissy attitudes, they just leave them at home? we on the ground don’t need them, either!
OMG you are funny! Was just on a 7 hour night flight and a man decided to WHISTLE for oh, a good hour of it! Thought I would punch him. Kudos to all of the flight attendants in the world, you have a log of patience!
And if you bring your own food on the plane and it is smelly please wrap it up nicely when done so we do not have to smell it for the whole fucking flight!
^ Yes!!
Unless you are flying for 24 hours, are under 6 years old or have some medical condition that means you have to eat every hour or you’ll DIE (and I’ll bet that condition is pretty rare, if one even exists), I don’t know why anyone would need to eat on a plane, much less want to. Smelly, unsanitary and just all around disgusting.
Sure, flying can be boring, but doesn’t mean we need to stuff ourselves like bored zoo animals. 99% of us (myself included) can manage to live off our humps for the few hours it takes us to fly just about anywhere, seriously. So leave the food behind. Bring water, read a book, watch a movie instead. Your fellow passengers will thank you, the cleaning crews will thank you, and who knows, maybe you’ll even lose a pound or two!!!!!
I used to fly RJ’s and this amazed me everytime. Most people have, on average, an hour long commute to work every damn day of their lives during which they need nothing but their radio and possibly some stale coffee, but put that person on a 25 minute flight from SAT to PSP and I’ll be damned if they don’t need two beverages, a meal, multiple choices of entertainment, a pillow, a blanket, and to use the restroom at LEAST once. It’s amazing these people get to work each day without dying….
Please and Thank You to the crew is just plane manners. I never travel without saying them frequently.
You know why the “shut off electronic devices” is total bull$hit? Because on proably 75%+ of flights, something is on anyway. And those planes don’t crash. If this was really a genuine threat, staff would collect the devices as a condition of getting on the plane. Right?
The FAA has implemented the regulation. It is our job to enforce it. If you don’t wish to comply, you can catch another flight (although you will have to comply there as well). Bottom line: Turn your phone off for 5 minutes until something changes. I doubt it will kill you.
Having to stay overnight at a hotel on your own dime waiting for a flight the next morning because you refused? Probably not worth it.
My last flight on AA from Dallas, to OKC, there was no drink service because they stated the flight was too short. So we got the pleasure of watching two flight staff use their iPhones nearly the entire time. Made me wonder how serious is to turn off the electronics
Hey, douche: YOU can use YOUR electronic device too! JUST NOT during takeoff and landing! God, you’re one of the people I want to slap that think it’s so terrible to be asked to turn off the fucking cell phone for 5 minutes.
And you should add to fucking morons that obviously did not pass geometry try and cram a fucking full size suitcase in the overhead. really you fuck twits put you r shit up and sit the fuck down so others can get to their seat
Had a college girl sit next to me on a flight recently. She happened to mention her dad was a pilot for the airlines. She’s sitting there texting on her phone as we’re taking off.