If It Doesn’t Fit — JUST. FUCKING. STOP.
My inner dialogue every time I watch someone trying to squeeze a large bag into a bin that everyone else on the plane can see will NOT fit:
“round hole square peg round hole square peg round hole square peg”
“Still not fitting”
“Fuck I hate Tetris”
“The bin isn’t ‘too small’ — your fancy, (now expanded) bag is too big”
“I will bet anyone on this plane $100 that the bitch is saying ‘I fly with this bag all the time’ right now”
“No, I don’t have a magic wand that will make it fit after you walk away and leave it hanging 3 feet out of the bin for me to deal with”
“That shit did NOT fit on your last flight, asshole”
“Nope, trying 14 times while 100 people stand behind you still won’t make it work”
“Gotta admire the tenacity of this dumbass”
“I’m not even getting paid right now”
“Would I be breathing if my head just exploded?”
“FUCK. ME.”
“…the amount you fly doesn’t make the bag smaller or the bin bigger. Just look at it, look at it with your eyes — your real eyes, not the crazy eyes.” –Louis C. K.
I have the same freaking inner dialogue. Sometimes I just can’t watch the boarding process. It’s like, “oh yeah, the ice needs to be cracked, again.” Anything but watching. And oh, on one of my flights last week, 7 people, 7! used the bathroom during boarding. It was freaking Grand Central Poop Station.
My outer dialogue is…. you think it will fit? Well what do I know… I’m just a flight attendant
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You have no idea how bad I needed this today! To the woman who couldn’t understand why I made her take the bag out of the overhead–when the door is making cracking sounds and bending while you try to force it closed, the bag is too big! I’m NOT getting stuck in this podunk shitville for another hour while we wait for local maintenance to show up and defer the bin you just broke!!!!!
Its my inner dialogue on a daily basis, so Im usually looking at ice, in cabinets, making extra announcements etcs. Just so my blood doesnt boil.
And lets not fail to mention those who “slam, slam, slam, slam”..take bag out, turn it sideways, “slam, slam, slam, slam”…glare up and down the aisle….take out someone else’s stuff and put theirs in, and then cram it in on top of something it shouldn’t be on. Can you hear it now..”OMG, that’s my mink coat….”
I call the boarding process the stupid parade. It’s like Ma and Pa Kettle show up with a fucking steamer trunk as a carry on and then are miffed when it has to be gate checked, all the while stating, “I fly with this carry on all the time”.